A Funny Thing Happened ...............
(Don't blame me, they were sent in by your fellow members .....)
Three businessmen were sitting in a sauna when suddenly they heard a 'beeping' sound
The merchant banker pressed his forearm and the noise stopped.
The others looked at him and questioningly ... "That was my pager" he said, "I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm".
A few moments later a 'phone rang. The Stockbroker lifted his hand and placed the palm to his ear.
When he had finished he said "That was my mobile 'phone. I have a microchip in my hand".
The self-employed motorcycle mechanic felt really low-tech but decided to do something just as impressive.
He left the sauna and went to the bathroom. When he returned there was a piece of toilet tissue hanging from his bottom.
As the other men looked at him with their eyebrows raised he said ...
"Well, will you look at that. I am getting a FAX"
Do you remember the old Hoop and Stick that kids used to play with many years ago? I had one when I was 18. I remember I took it to the pub one evening and left it outside, standing against the wall while I had a few beers. When I came out later I was devastated to discover someone had stolen my hoop!
It was really inconvenient as I then had to WALK home!
A duck walks into a chemist (drugstore) and asks "Have you got anything for cold sores?"
The chemist replies "Yes, I've got this stuff here."
The duck says "Great - stick it on my bill"
David Tayler (Nice one Dave!)
A mate of mine was pulled up for speeding one day. The policeman said, "Sir, my shift ends in 15 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a GOOD reason why you were speeding that I have NEVER heard before, I will let you off!" My mate looked at him and said, "My wife ran off with a policeman last week and I thought you were bringing her BACK!" The policeman said, " Have a nice day!"
Bob Ellis
A guy gets stopped in his car by a police patrol unit. The police officer says to the guy "Is this your car, Sir?" The guy replies "No, I stole it yesterday." The Policeman then says "Can I see your driving licence?" The guy replies "No, I am banned for 10 years." The policeman then says he is going to search the car. The guy says "OK, but be careful of the glove box, that's where I keep my gun!" "Your GUN?" says the copper? "Yes" says the guy "I used it to kill the woman whose body is in the boot of this car!"
"Right!" says the cop "stay right there while I call for an armed backup unit". He does this and when it arrives a copper, armed to the teeth, approaches the car. He asks the driver who owns the car. "I do" says the guy "here is the registration document in my name along with my driving licence, which as you can see is perfectly clean!" "I believe you have a gun in your glove box that you used to kill a woman whose body is in the boot" says the copper. "Nonsense" says the guy, and carefully opens the glove box and the boot, both of which are completely empty. The armed cop says "That is really odd Sir, but this other officer told me you had stolen this car, were banned from driving, had a gun in the glove box and a woman's dead body in your boot"
"Yes" replied the guy "And I bet the swine also said I was speeding!!!!"
Ron J Handy
Female Comebacks!
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more!
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and THIS one will be if YOU sit down!
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you!
Woman: Ah yes, but would you STAY there?
Man: If I saw you naked I would die happy!
Woman: And if I saw YOU naked, I would die LAUGHING!
Two guys are in a hot air balloon flying round the world. The 1st guy holds his arm over the side and says, "Hey, we are over Paris!" His mate says, "How do you know?" The 1st guy says, "I can feel the top of the Eiffel Tower."
A couple of days later the 1st guy puts his arm over the side and says, "Hey, we are over New York!" His mate says, "How do you know?" The 1st guy replies, "I can feel the top of the Empire State Building!"
A few days later the 1st guy holds his arm over the side of the balloon and says, "Hey, we are over Sydney!" His mate says, "That's amazing, how did you know?" The 1st guy replies, "Someone just stole my wristwatch!"
Page 2 of Reader's jokes and poems